How I Got Emotional Intelligence Wrong

24 dic 2018
332 009 visualizzazioni

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Emotional intelligence is an interesting subject
What does it even mean to be “emotionally intelligent?”
I’ve gone through most of my life feeling pretty great!
I would never blow up on people and I’d hardly get angry
Yes I’d get sad here and there but for the most part I felt happy and excited
Although that was how I truly felt, the methods, mindsets and techniques I learned were simply unsustainable most of the time
So we’re going to dive into where I’m at now and dissecting the flaws of my past approaches
00:40 - Point #1: Flawed Perspective: The Control Aspect
04:40 - Point #2: Suppressing Emotions Doesn’t Work Long Term
11:54 - My Skin Care Routine
#EmotionalIntelligence #CharismaOnCommand #SelfDevelopment
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Or if you want to see our personal stuff (regular life + playing music):
Instagram: @CharlieHoupert
Instagram: @IamBenAltman

  • "I have never seen 'Volcanoes' -- But, when Travellers tell How those old -- phlegmatic mountains Usually so still -- Bear within -- appalling Ordnance, Fire, and smoke, and gun, Taking Villages for breakfast, And appalling Men -- If the stillness is Volcanic In the human face When upon a pain Titanic Features keep their place -- If at length the smouldering anguish Will not overcome -- And the palpitating Vineyard In the dust, be thrown? If some loving Antiquary, On Resumption Morn, Will not cry with joy 'Pompeii! To the Hills return!'" - Emily Dickenson

    Shiboline M'RessShiboline M'Ress8 ore fa
  • Repressed emotions = turning all the colors down. (or something like that) That hit me hard, total 'aha!' moment. Thank you for this video!

    Katy AKaty A11 ore fa
  • Its called the Darkside.

    Aether OracleAether OracleGiorno fa
  • I know this video is old, but can you just tell me how to not catch feels? I'm use to all the other stuff.

    PerfidiousWayPerfidiousWay4 giorni fa
  • Many thanks to the author. I am grateful with all my heart. I am from Russia and do not know English. I watch the channel on ITworlds "Искусство харизмы". Nice to watch you. You instill optimism in life. (text generated google translate)))))

    MadnessEye Ковид XIXMadnessEye Ковид XIX6 giorni fa
  • "They come home and they kick the dog. This is what we all do"

    Mattias GrutopMattias Grutop10 giorni fa
  • Embracing the shadow within, as your own, is the true definition of enlightenment. It doesn't mean we act on all our dark thoughts, but it means that we're aware of them and we don't deny them. Jordan Peterson says we are all capable of becoming Nazis that shoot pregnant women in the back of the head. And he's right.

    Erik SwigerErik Swiger21 giorno fa
  • Would It work if i were to try to invest my happiness by investing it for a later time?😂

    DJ162DJ16228 giorni fa
  • But, I have never really seen my repressed emotions manifest in any way that I know of.

    John Charles RobertsJohn Charles RobertsMese fa
  • I believe that I may have always repressed emotions, and I'm not completely sure how to stop.

    John Charles RobertsJohn Charles RobertsMese fa
  • Damn that makes a lot of sense to me thank you this video helps a lot

    UselessCompanionUselessCompanionMese fa
  • Hey ! Charlie mentions gratitude excerices. Is there a video where this concept is developed ? Thx, I'm grateful

    VincentVincent2 mesi fa
  • Mate, thank you so much that clears so much up. I wish I knew that a year ago makes sense now

    Sausage Grilled-ona-barbiSausage Grilled-ona-barbi2 mesi fa
  • Stoicism: repress, be polite, then pound a couple beers before yelling like Goku. This is the only way.

    Daniel StarrDaniel Starr3 mesi fa
  • Charlie! i can never thank you enough. i believe this is one of the more important videos I've seen on your channel, it opened up a whole world that was unknown to me but that can truly be the key to happiness and contentment. i am surely going to practice my emotional intelligence from now on. thank you so much!

    Sofia RotelliniSofia Rotellini3 mesi fa
  • Thank you. Something was off with Me the past few weeks, and i imagined that i repressed a certain feeling Or memory. It was actually My hatred for My colleagues at work that i forgot. Ive Been there for 2.5 years to finish my traineeship (around 5 months to Go), but i resent every aspect of it. I started playing nice at some Point, to not get into Trouble, but at some point it looks like i decieved myself into thinking that "its not thaaaat Bad", which simply isnt the case. Good Video, never imagined i would find My answer here, for a question i couldnt even articulate. You helped me a Lot, thanks My friend :)

    Maik WokwikMaik Wokwik4 mesi fa
  • Kindly do one for emotional maturity

    Donald OsongoDonald Osongo4 mesi fa
  • This the best psychology lesson, that induces high self-esteem.... Thumbs up!!!

    Donald OsongoDonald Osongo4 mesi fa
  • Guy ur so good. U should be invincible with everyday challenges

    KnownasbombKnownasbomb4 mesi fa
    • Also, i know this isnt true. The more u know, the more u owe. But there's a good side tho not a doubled edged sword type of thing

      KnownasbombKnownasbomb4 mesi fa
  • This is a tricky one for me. I think I used to supress my emotions when I was younger but as I've gotten a bit older and understood myself better, I've learnt to accept that I am quite an emotional person, but I still don't know if I manage them properly. I've cried at work when dealing with difficult people, and it does not help the situation. I don't believe I said or did anything inappropriate when I got emotional like this, but I know it makes people uncomfortable and makes them think that I'm overly sensitive or can't handle pressure. To anyone reading this comment, how do you balance not supressing your emotions, but also not overtly expressing them in inappropriate ways?

    samboyaussamboyaus4 mesi fa
    • In my experience you don't try to blow it all out in one moment - which was also one of my flaws before. I learned to somehow take all of whatever emotion that is you want to let go into one ball. But instead of letting it loose all at once, you can divide it up into little pieces, then let those pieces go one by one each day, convincing yourself that "It's okay to be angry this week", or it's "okay to be sad this 2 next weeks", because it is indeed okay to feel those things. However, if those emotions are connected to someone, you might need to confront or tell them someday about it. Otherwise that ball of emotional repression will keep coming back over.

      KJ CabreraKJ Cabrera4 mesi fa
  • ❤️

    Daisy DaisyDaisy Daisy4 mesi fa
  • You're right! It makes me toxic positive cause I neglect this emotions. Maybe it's time to embrace them. The part where you're not laughing at his joke anymore is so accurate. I always thought there was something more in positivity and this was it, acknowledging your negative emotions on someone and giving them a time to shine but in a healthy way.

    SnairdieSnairdie5 mesi fa
  • You know, this reminds me of a movie I watched late at night where a woman murdered another woman she’d envied and long story short, she was all happy at a panoramic rising sunshine scene as if she finally released it lol, I think it was a comedy, but a dark one.

    Xplicit M.CXplicit M.C5 mesi fa
  • Be aware of your own thoughts, be aware that certain emotion is happening and see it from observer perspective. You can react to your anger ,it's normal, but you have control to just see it as a neutral thing and obeserve it instead of react to it

    NulliverseNulliverse5 mesi fa
  • What are some ways to increase your IQ score over 15 points? I read plenty of good opinions on the net about how exactly Rotogenflux Methods can help you improve your IQ in a short period of time. Has anybody tried using this iq course?

    June LamJune Lam5 mesi fa
  • Heard more true expression in that 13 minute youtube clip than I've heard in person over the past two years. Just wow.

    Ethan SmithEthan Smith5 mesi fa
  • C: And we kick the dog, we all do it Me: You do you

    Avesta AlamgiralamAvesta Alamgiralam5 mesi fa
  • We drank we fought we made our ancestors proud

    Son GokuSon Goku5 mesi fa
  • It is surprising how ppl around you can support or even enforce the repression (bc. they are uncomfortable with certain emotions, or even genuinely want to help). I remember complaining to all my friends about a breakup. One of them (on the first day) told me (in an almost ordering manner) "don't be sad". At that moment I found it utterly frustrating, almost as if she was denying me the right to feel, what I thought was absolutely appropriate. But even after explaining to her that it was a process, one has to go through and I couldn't just switch it off she insisted on it.

    Olga S.Olga S.5 mesi fa
  • IMHO, it's better to journal alone than to have a confrontational discussion with a friend in an effort to do this self exploration of negative feelings.

    Lisa LPHLisa LPH5 mesi fa
  • Omg, this has hit home in a big way! Being in a relationship where I couldn't figure out why I was feeling numbed out by a partner who suppresses emotions. I was shamed for being authentic, but yet I was dying inside with an overwhelming feeling of "Something isn't right here, why do I want to run from this person?" It was suffocating, and I thought I was a terrible person for feeling this perpetual angst. This video gave me the ability to breathe again! I am amazed. I thought I would never get free, but I did. I'll never go back to being emotionally suffocated.

    Carrie KayCarrie Kay5 mesi fa
  • I notice many people keep on speaking about Rotogenflux Methods. But I'm not sure if it is good. Have you ever tried using this intelligence boost system?

    Ileana MendozaIleana Mendoza5 mesi fa
  • Can v marry 💍?

    eva wasnikeva wasnik5 mesi fa
  • You are wonderful. Thank you for your work, you're making a difference, you beautiful man. Lots of love.

    Gordana ČupkovićGordana Čupković6 mesi fa
  • One of the most aggravating feelings ever, is when you are being pelted with little nuances everyday, until years later, when you finally had enough and give an outburst- you finally get to exhaust all your ire, and yet everyone only thinks that whatever has been done wrong, was too minor to be a big deal. My only advice? Be a non-political, unreligious Christian (yes, those kinds of people, DO exist), who likes to drown in coffee and Owl City tracks.

    Zoie SpencerZoie Spencer6 mesi fa
  • As a person who has been in cognitive behavioral therapy for years, I know that as humans, we have irrational feelings all the time. But it helps to know where those irrational feelings come from because they all come from somewhere. If you're angry at that other person talking to your best friend for no clear reason, that might be because you're jealous of the attention that your friend gets and that stems from being bullied and rejected by other kids as a child. Don't shame yourself for feeling angry. Just acknowledge your feelings, take a few deep breaths, and get to know your friend's new friend before you proceed to judge anyone. But know that your own past hurt is justified even if it doesn't directly impact this situation unless you let it.

    Lauren ConradLauren Conrad6 mesi fa
  • We need to drop the word “should” from our language.

    Doctor ShellDoctor Shell6 mesi fa
  • This is extremely helpful. We can't bury our emotions we have to get them out somewhere, at least in a journal or let that person know how we felt

    AquarellinaAquarellina6 mesi fa
  • You’re like a young Fr. Mike Schmitz from the Ascension Presents YT channel.

    Micah J HoffmanMicah J Hoffman6 mesi fa
  • i dont see the link to the free writing and meditation link. anyone can help

    Sokchhay HengSokchhay Heng6 mesi fa
  • fam you do look 22🤯🤯

    LethaboLethabo6 mesi fa
  • What do you prioritize, talking rationally or acting rationally? If acting rationally is more important to you then maybe you have to talk, feel and express yourself "irrationally" in order to allow yourself to act rationally.

    Lydia AlexianLydia Alexian6 mesi fa
  • Not recognizing your emotions is not recognizing who you are. You are living in a dream world and need to work with your emotions. It's part of being human. Eventually those emotions will come out if you try to repress them.

    Michael AlberMichael Alber6 mesi fa
  • Thank you for this. I started crying during the video, thinking of all the times I rationalized my way through anger and hurt. This really changed how I view emotional intelligence

    Angela CAngela C6 mesi fa
  • Wow. I have never related to something more.

    Katie GrayKatie Gray6 mesi fa
  • What's missing from this conversation is the spectrum of emotional intensity and emotional depths that are available (it hasn't been mapped and is probably infinite). Some experience things with more complexity and feel more intensely. Your road to self-mastery will be a different one than those that have less depths to navigate. It takes all types. No one is wrong or superior here. Humanity benefits from the diversity of wiring that is displayed throughout humandom. Emotional mastery (just like enlightenment) is not a permanent state one achieves and then never loses. We are ever-expanding and mutating beings who remain mysteries to ourselves even as we gather self-knowledge and awareness. It's not like a diploma that can't be taken away from you. Enjoy and savor the plateaus you reach, but don't fool yourself into thinking you've got it all figured out. Get comfortable in the never-ending field of consciousness and the great mystery of it all. Efficiency is one of the sacred cows of capitalism and this speaker seems to express frustration of the discovery that emotions can't be made to serve extrinsic demands of the external forces that want us to perform like robots. There's nothing wrong with striving to perform well and achieve through self-mastery, but you are not a robot and never will be. Be welll!

    Jim BJim B6 mesi fa
  • Lol yes I forget that you're older than you look

    Shelea HarrisShelea Harris6 mesi fa
  • I wish I saw this video years ago when I hadn't realized this myself...

    General ZimmerGeneral Zimmer6 mesi fa
  • I got the chills at a point during the video. I realized that maybe I have a lot of things inside me that I don't even know are there.

    Gabriel FifieldGabriel Fifield6 mesi fa
  • oh cause of this video I started to read a book "Radical honesty" and I just finished the introduction, which I can agree with autor so much, I've been in psychoterapy for 2 years and it helped me a lot. Idk if I should countinue to read this book, I'm afraid it may break my secure thing in my head which is anyway fragile.

    KianaRioKianaRio7 mesi fa
  • He is like he's own psychologist

    well yeahwell yeah7 mesi fa
  • Thank you very much for the advice. I called out on a friend for his behaviour and felt frustrated with myself afterwards. Maybe it's also good for me to express my feelings.

    Lyfee LaiLyfee Lai7 mesi fa
  • What you do is more important than what you feel. Feelings are valid, but actions are forever. You can never fully control your heart, sometimes it will just do things wrong because humans are imperfect. Also you don't make a kid say they're sorry because they have to really feel sorry for their actions, you do it to teach the kid to do the right thing even when they don't feel like it. Also for your story at 5:34, isn't it better that your feelings came out as "not laughing" and "not calling him" instead of blowing up in his face? One, the consequences can ruin a friendship; the second, the consequences are felt mostly by you, and he might not have even noticed the negativity.

    David PoDavid Po8 mesi fa
  • I appreciate your honesty, to make yourself vulnerable just to help other people. The moment I realized I was suppressing those negative emotions was a deep one. First youre tough, youre strong you can handle all that people throw at you. Then people think its okay to treat you bad because you never let them know what bothers you. Time passes and you experience a loss of control over yourself, youre easy to trigger and your suppressed emotions explodes like a volcano. From this state, without adressing and working on your feelings, it only gets worse. The absolute most basic step to get over this is to be brutally honest to yourself. Accept the fact you have this vicious, narrow-minded thoughts and emotions. You are a human being, it is absolutely okay to have these. Everyone has these to a certain degree. Get to know them. Take your time to fully understand where they truly have their roots. You need to adress the problem first before you are able to work in it.

    Marcus JulianMarcus Julian8 mesi fa
  • I feel like often times anger is misunderstood. It can be a good emotion at times. Getting pissed about injustice leads to justice, frustration over something tedious and time consuming leads to innovation , becoming bitter when things arent going your way leads to finding a better way. I fought so hard against my anger for so long trying to suppress it deeper and deeper behind a sweet smile until the day that same smile became seething. I couldn’t do it anymore. I had to find an out lit some way that wasn’t myself or others. And that’s when I found... Punk Rock. Wailing on my bass guitar or screaming lyrics at the top of my lungs was the only other thing that satisfied my anger. Because of this, my anger became songs. And therefore something positive. Anger is possibly one of the most powerful emotions (it is one of the seven deadly sins), and something that powerful should be used for good. If you are mad, it means you care. Go do something about it (in a healthy way).

    Savannah Roshan Hayworth-WesteSavannah Roshan Hayworth-Weste8 mesi fa
  • Very helpful , I really appreciate these videos they help me make important life decisions

    Gabriella PowellGabriella Powell8 mesi fa
  • Its still shock me just how lots of people have no idea about Rotogenflux Methods although many people improve their IQ in a short period of time with it. Thanks to my mate who told me about this. I have my IQ score increased over 15 points.

    Ernest MalloryErnest Mallory8 mesi fa

    David Lemon jellyDavid Lemon jelly9 mesi fa
    • *LIFE

      David Lemon jellyDavid Lemon jelly9 mesi fa
  • thanks

    Edupardo98Edupardo989 mesi fa
  • different book, elephant is from Jonathan Haidt not Kahnemann

    tolkarius58tolkarius589 mesi fa
  • Suppressing Emotions was my coping mechanism growing up in a toxic home, now that coping mechanism is ruining my life. Huh, ironic, way to brain, way to go..... :/

    Star SmokeStar Smoke9 mesi fa
  • 1. Create space (Radical Honesty) 2. External 3. Experiential aspect of Emotional Intelligence

    Katherine Kaye RodriguezKatherine Kaye Rodriguez9 mesi fa
  • is it okay to express emotions in the situation in a calm manner?

    Alfateh YusofAlfateh Yusof9 mesi fa
  • Omg I needed this!!

    H2O GamingH2O Gaming9 mesi fa
  • I really, _really_ love these videos where you turn your formidable psychological expertise inward, towards yourself, and demonstrate the subtle distinction between knowledge and knowing.

    Ryan WestRyan West9 mesi fa
  • This video is so me it almost made me cry. Thank you.

    Brays1994Brays19949 mesi fa
  • What is the best way to increase my IQ of 23 points? I read plenty of superb reviews on the net about how exactly Rotogenflux Methods can help you improve your IQ in a short period of time. Has any one tried using this intelligence boost program?

    Sidnei VianaSidnei Viana9 mesi fa
  • Muy buen video, thank you

    Nicolás EjarbeNicolás Ejarbe9 mesi fa
  • this kills the law of attraction 😅

    Jackson McilroyJackson Mcilroy10 mesi fa
  • This was by FAR the most eye opening video for me!!! Thank you.. getting that book right this minute to further investigate that issue

    Constantina LiebeskindConstantina Liebeskind10 mesi fa
  • This man is literally describing me

    A BA B10 mesi fa
  • You can't always express your actual emotions on every whim, this might ruin other people's mood and their opinion about you (including those you care about). Imagine adult man keeps showing his frustration with unpleasant situation like a mere crybaby. You must be in control of your emotions but not totally suppress them, that's the thing about Emotional Intelligence, you are Emotional but in a smart, Intelligent way.

    BloodwestBloodwest10 mesi fa
  • Speak the truth in love

    William PowellWilliam Powell10 mesi fa
  • “I resent you for...” that’s scary, and a way to alienate folks.

    William PowellWilliam Powell10 mesi fa
  • Great video

    Tavo LemusTavo Lemus10 mesi fa
  • Just recklessly and selfishly unleashing anger onto someone is not fair and hard to do anyways, so I agree with his guidance on not being repressive; they are two different things. Processing emotions can be constructive - wish we all practiced it. Thank you !

    Alicia PrinceAlicia Prince10 mesi fa
  • God bless you for your work. My shadow is....very hard for me to comprehend and relatively rare, when I talk to people in full honesty. It's very hard for me to deal with sometimes...this time exactly. Thank you

    Jack McCabeJack McCabe10 mesi fa
  • Bruh, this is my life too. xD I've only started learning how to express more honestly negative emotions with the people who make me upset. Now the people around me I know care about me, and want to know if I'm upset, when I'm upset, so they can make things right. Exactly as I would want the chance as well.

    StrawberryDreamsStrawberryDreams10 mesi fa
  • the ramblings of a passive-aggressive

    Bob RichardBob Richard10 mesi fa
  • Serendipitously, I needed to hear this. I grew up suppressing my emotions as a survival tactic against my abuser. But now in my later adult life, I need to rewire everything, because those survival tactics no longer serve me. Thank you for your sincerity.

    Melle YangMelle Yang10 mesi fa
  • Thank you for your candidness! I just came across your channel and this is my favorite video so far. I study how our emotions are harbored in our body/how to release them and this was sooo refreshing to hear a guy’s perspective on it all. Your ability to really read people and give real examples of how they can relate to others is quite a gift. And what you did here was pure genius, even if it was a little scary on sharing a personal perspective and story. In the words of Kyle Cease, it makes you relatable, more likable, and very brave. Im watching why you broke w your girlfriend next but already crushing hard if you dont have a new gf😝! Thank you for sharing your gift with the world. The best thing we have is the ability to connect with others. Such an incredible vision to help others do that.

    Joelenne RevakJoelenne Revak10 mesi fa
  • You have the Joker type of smile. I dig it lol

    Aleko117Aleko11710 mesi fa
  • Thank you. Grateful for your fun video. I am in agreement but within reason. If one feels a negative emotion due to a situation then one must express it with kindness. One can do that. So whatever emotion happens in this case, do not supress it but express it in a way that all can understand kindly with good solid fact to back it up as to why. Do not ever hurt anyone or anything. No reason if your emotional intelligence and social intelligence attached with kindness are as one with good solid fact. Use that to express positive input from a negative emotion as well one can use that energy to relate to others how it all makes them feel and truely listen with empathy and kindness and care. Then one can use all that energy for excerise instead.😊 Turn a negative energy into a positive. Just thought I would mention. And Thank you.😊💞👍👍

    SANDY C. EDENSANDY C. EDEN10 mesi fa
  • Hi Charlie I would counsel being careful about breaking social rules and telling people your negative feelings about them. I think that approach will often end badly. There is no such thing as a safe space to do this in, that is an illusion. It is far better just to be well mannered and considerate and deal with one's own negative thoughts in private. I don't think denying negative thoughts is good but it is expecting too much of others to push the burden of dealing with these outward onto them. In our society, we see things always from the standpoint of the personal and individual. Concern for the group or family first and taking a helicopter view of a situation I think is a better way to defuse feelings and give oneself a sense of proportion.

    Kevin CurryKevin Curry10 mesi fa
  • "Repressing emotions will come back to haunt you. They look for justifiable ways to express themselves." Damn. That hit home.

    Abigail BorduinAbigail Borduin10 mesi fa
  • One of my favorite things is the title of this video. You do a wonderful job of being self aware, being honest, and taking self responsibility.

    thebuddahmainthebuddahmain10 mesi fa
  • This is a brilliant video. Thanks Charlie and Ben and everybody doing this Channel. This is so important! :)

    Jasmin SchmitzJasmin Schmitz11 mesi fa
  • The problem with those people that 'make it til you fake it' end up being those that I have no respect for, as they have got to where they are not by being good at what they do, studied for, experienced but by blagging out their existence until they become your superior.

    sethno1brewersethno1brewer11 mesi fa
  • whoah

    Murray MooreMurray MooreAnno fa
  • well shoot, had i known this 5 years ago

    MA DaMA DaAnno fa
  • Thank you

    Mahammadou TunkaraMahammadou TunkaraAnno fa
  • This is why if someone pisses me off, I get pissed and I will only apologise when I feel the need to do so.

    Margaret ThatcherMargaret ThatcherAnno fa
  • that's a bit problematic in my environment...

    fumomo fumosarumfumomo fumosarumAnno fa
  • Inspirational as heck

    Flicker FXFlicker FXAnno fa
  • Try not resolving anger and frustration in a relationship. You will eventually act out on it.

    Matt BonnevilleMatt BonnevilleAnno fa
  • good video oldman

    NeyBliKNeyBliKAnno fa
  • This was me since my childhood. I never get angry, i am so calm and cool. Then i suffer with loads of unreleased anger...and get into depression. Thanks for discussing this topics. It helps.

    Hanis87 231Hanis87 231Anno fa
  • When he got real and he showed how nice he is “you can get it in form you want”

    Its Møøn_Its Møøn_Anno fa
  • I don't understand.....Like I get it I guess? But hiding my emotions has kept me from having more pain. Expressing myself just brings pain

    FaeKweenFaeKweenAnno fa
  • The end of this reminds me of the book Tuesdays With Morrie and how he states that you can't be afraid to let yourself feel something (in his case it was him not ignoring his fear of impending death), and that once you've let it in you can begin to process and take control over it.

    MrThat0nepersonMrThat0nepersonAnno fa